


The Crack Files : Secrets of the Espada

by jesuisordure



Series: Strange Tales of the Seireitei : Meta Musings [2]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Author Is Sleep Deprived, Crack, Gen, Humor, Lists
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2019-10-17
Packaged: 2020-10-12 18:29:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20568914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jesuisordure/pseuds/jesuisordure
Summary: What Goes On Behind The Pristine White Walls Of Las Noches??  Shocking Secrets!!  What They Don't Want Your To Know!!CLICK HERE!!





	1. Chapter 1

** _So What Are You Supposed To Be Anyway?_ **

<s>Sometimes</s> **Starrk** chases rabbits in his sleep and by rabbits I mean Aizen and by chase I mean tears into bite-sized portions with his teeth. His hands twitch in a way that makes you want to bite his face off because it’s so cute - sometimes he even yips! The only thing cuter is when he and Grimmjow nap together. Not even Nel can handle it. (**Lilynette** dreams of playing keep-away and chase with Starrk, in an endless field of green grass.)

**Baraggan's** the world’s oldest fucking edgelord and the only reason he doesn’t have an animal _resurrección_ is because Starrk already snagged wolves, and Ulquiorra took bats. Big ass crow wings would have looked really fucking sweet — a dramatic, floor-length cape of feathers with a standing collar would’ve been _sick_ — but NOoOoOo, can’t have Nnoitra running screaming off the battlefield all the time. So fuckit. Skeleton it is. _Metal_.

Sometimes **Harribel** just can't resist lying on the ground behind a corner and biting unsuspecting victims’ calves as they walk past (she’s just curious). Her needs are few, and easily satisfied.

**Nel** is a pacifist and all round sweetheart, but she would not say no to the chance to stomp on Aizen until he was nothing but smooth Shinigami jam beneath her hooves. (Noitra she would kick to death. Slowly. Painfully. In the skull. To make up for all the times she had to listen to him talking out of his ass, and that whole attempted assassination thing. She has not yet come up with an appropriate end for Szayel, though she’s imagining something one of a kind... experimental, even… For a pacifist, she spends a lot of time thinking about murder.)

**Ulquiorra** absolutely did not secure a pair of inversion boots to the ceiling of his room so that he can hang upside down like a bat; and until somebody catches him in the act, there is absolutely no proof that he stands in front of his mirror and says “I am the night” with so little emotion that Bruce Wayne would shed a single stoic tear of jealousy. (He also absolutely does not have a complete, mint condition collection of every single Batman comic ever either, and if anyone were to ever even _breathe_ on this collection that definitely does not exist, they would be _cero-ed_ into a fine, snortable powder.)

**Nnoitra** is terrified of birds. **_TERRIFIED_**. He called in sick for the Battle of Fake Karakura Town because he heard there was a Vizard with a bird mask. It is so bad that he can’t even be anywhere near Ulquiorra in _resurrección_. Ichigo could have won his fight against Nnoitra armed with nothing but one [1] budgie (although a sack full of them would have admittedly have been far more amusing).

Sometimes **Grimmjow** sleeps with his arms tucked under him and his head pressed into the floor like a cat. It is twice as kawaii as it sounds.(The real reason he’s always sneaking off the the Human World when someone leaves a window open is for the unlimited access to sunbeams.)

**Zommari** secretly loves unagi. He meditates afterwards to cleanse his conscience, but nothing can remove the sweet briny taint of shame from his tongue (he can’t look himself in the eyes for weeks afterwards. Not that it stops him.)

**Szayel** couldn’t decide what to be — mermaid princess? Ursula cosplayer? cyberpunk glam rocker with a naughty priest fetish? — so he decided to be a little bit of everything (he did it all for The Aesthetic™). He’ll never admit it, but even he thinks the end result is… tacky — but not as tacky as ~Lord Aizen~ copying his form. Tacky bitch. There’s nothing to be done but keep his chin up, his scalpels sharp, and evolve past it as fast as he can.

Don’t bother trying to figure out wtf **Aaroniero** is. All you need to know is that:  
1\. He is comprehensively creepy, and  
2\. He would be delicious breaded and deep-fried, dipped in garlic butter +/ tartar sauce.

**Yammy** dreams of being pretty and delicate and light and flying far away from everyone to a land of warm breezes and bright, pretty flowers where he can flit about in a constant state of joyful bliss. He wakes up angry. Angri**_er_**. Caught between desire and denial, his metamorphosis is doomed to be eternally stuck in the overcompensation phase. Tragic.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to Insomnia, population: Me.

** _Problem Solving With the Las Noches Gang_ **

**PROBLEM?**

**Aizen :** There is no problem. This is my design.

**Tousen :** THE ONLY PROBLEM IS THAT OTHER PEOPLE FAIL TO SEE THE LACK OF JUSTICE IN THIS WORLD I AM THE ONLY ONE NOT BLINDED BY DISTRACTION IN THIS ESSAY I WILL

**Gin :** I like to play a long game. A really long game. As long as Shinsō. Longer. (The payoff should be great!!!)

**Starrk :** Take a nap. Now it's somebody else's problem.

**Barragan :** Uh, excuse me? That's what lackeys... I mean, Fracción are for.

**Harribel :** Give it The Look™.

**Ulquiorra :** Overthink it <s>and still totally miss the point</s>. Alternatively, both deny it and wallow in it concurrently. Like a Boss.

**Nnoitra :** Fight it? Fuck it? I don't know I'm so confused!!

**Grimmjow :** Fight it! Fuck it! Both! [And/or, on rare occasion, eat it!]

**Zommari :** Mansplain it. You're welcome.

**Szayel :** Before you can deal with a problem, you must understand it, and the best way to understand a problem is to dissect it. Thoroughly.

**Aaroniero :** A trouble shared is a trouble halved. Or, in the case of these two brains in a jar, doubled.

**Yammy :** Yammy... SMASH!

**SOLUTION!**

**Aizen :** This is the perfect solution. I must have thought of it.

**Tousen :** THE ONLY SOLUTION IS TO KILL EVERYONE WHO STANDS IN YOUR WAY AND IN THE WAY OF JUSTICE YOU HAVE TO CRACK A FEW EGGS TO MAKE AN OMELETTE IN THIS ESSAY I WILL

**Gin :** Where's the fun in that?

**Starrk :** Take a nap to celebrate somebody else solving the problem.

**Barragan :** You probably fucked up. I'm sure you fucked up. I don't even have to look. I just know it. WHY IS IT SO HARD TO GET GOOD HELP??

**Harribel :** There is nothing that can't be solved by a look that says, "I'm not mad, I'm just really disappointed, and by 'disappointed' I mean I love you, but I will kill you, skin you, and turn you into a cautionary wall hanging if this isn't fixed by the time I get back." Moms know.

**Ulquiorra :** Overthink it. Cause a tributary problem. Repeat until all tangled up in the feelings you definitely do not have.

**Nnoitra :** Are we pushing it off the roof? We're pushing it off the roof, right? Too late, I pushed it off the roof.

**Grimmjow :** Fight it! Fuck it! Both! <s>The only solution I accept is Ichigo.</s>

**Zommari :** Not sure what the solution is, but the problem is certainly not me.

**Szayel :** I have come up with an array of solutions, each one more unnecessarily diabolical than the last. They do not necessarily relate back to the original problem. The important thing is we all had fun. Me especially. I had fun. Everybody else just screamed a lot. That was fun too. Yay problem solving!!

**Aaroniero :** As if the brain trust could come up with a solution for anything...

**Yammy :** Yammy... SMASH?


End file.
